Hi, I’m Cam Newton, quarterback of the Carolina Panthers in the NFL.
These days you may see me throwing 5 touchdowns or rushing for 150 yards in a game and performing crazy touchdown dances. I own a line of cleats for young children and am the father to my son, as I was blessed with him last week. Many analysts consider me the front runner for MVP this year.
But that’s not why we are here today. I am not here to bore you on my NFL stats or my child or the vast amount of good I do for the community through volunteer programs every year. On a much more serious and important issue, My dick is AVERAGE SIZED!! WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO PLEASE A WOMAN!!
Women are constantly unimpressed when I take my pants off because it is naturally assumed it is bigger. It’s average-sized WHICH IS TOTALLY OK!!! Five and three quarter inches, roughly the size of a dollar bill. That’s all women need!
During my time in college at Auburn University, I would constantly be criticized by sorority sisters about my penis. I can just hear them now:
“I naturally assumed you had an eight inch meat monster because you were so good at football”
“Your penis is not proportional to your massive body, Cam Newton. We’re definitely going to have sex still but our bodies will have to be slightly closer than I thought”
“It’s not small by any means but I’ve definitely seen bigger, Cam, it looks pretty average to me”
The Statistical analysis
I have spent hours, no, days, NO! MONTHS! of my life conjuring the data necessary to prove my penis is average sized. The average size of the male penis is between 5.5 and 6.35 inches. The average penis size is roughly 5.95 inches with a standard deviation of 0.36 inches. I AM EASILY WITHIN ONE STANDARD DEVIATION OF THE MEAN!
Furthermore, a woman needs only two and a half inches to be satisfied by the male penis.
Hi, I’m Cam Newton. I have gathered data, performed this statistical analysis and am able to conclude that I, too, have an average sized penis AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT
Complications from having an average sized penis
PTSD. I live with this every day. Every time I reach for the button of my pants I relive the shock of women seeing my penis, which is slightly smaller than they imagined. I relive that look of disappointment. I relive that feeling of hopelessness.
I also have TMJ because I sucked that dick once in college.
The Solution/ The movement
I am hear to STOP THE STIGMA about having an average sized penis. I am sick of women making me feel ashamed about it, and this has risen as the most important issue in the NFL!
That is why I have started NFLPATSOAP, NFL players against the stigma of average-sized penises.
Join me, my average-sized brothers, for it is IN OURSELVES in which our destiny lives! A new future for us will NOT simply fall from the sky, IT MUST GROW WITHIN OUR PEOPLE! YOU ARE THE CONTINUATION OF OUR PEOPLE!!
LONG LIVE NFLPATSOAP!!!