Hello readers! Many celebrities, including Oprah and Carrot top, always ask me “How can I clean slate 2016?” Well let me tell you my thoughts on my resolutions for this year to make 2016 your most productive, efficient and memorable year yet!
I was pretty upset by not catching the illuminati this year. But that won’t discourage me! They are out there and it is proven by science.
2. 2016 is an even number
Even numbers are seen as good luck in the Mayan culture!
3. That murder you did won’t affect you!
That was in 2015. Now it is 2016. Clean Slate!
4. We can finally go on a date!
Instead of blogging like a big dumb weinerpants, we can go on dates instead. CLEAN SLATE!
1 Preparing an origami shaped statue of a rhinoceros’ front leg while riding a unicycle and singing the pledge of allegiance backwards in Portugese.
No 2016 would be complete without this task.
5.378. We can learn how to do meth!
After pushing this off my whole life, I am ready to take the plunge!
6.377. Start up our rap career!
That’s right, pull that doo rag out of the freezer. It’s time! Of course we will combine the styles of Waka Flocka Flames and Ellen Degeneres. Woo woo swag!
7. Achieving our childhood dream of opening a mattress store
Look at yourself proud in the mirror because now we are going to do it! Gerald’s sleepy sacks will be open for business!
99,099. Learning how to count
This mostly useless skill is something I am made fun of on a normal basis for, so I guess it’s time
45. Partial world domination
That’s right, Andorra. I’m coming for you! I’ve been taking your shit for too long, now it’s your turn to eat poop. FUCK ANDORRA!!
89. Now we can go back to clown school!
After dropping out several years ago, it is 2016 clean slate!
32.25. Volunteer at the homeless shelter!
These extremely needy people will largely benefit from me teaching them a thorough and in depth course on how to sail a yacht. Too often they are given useless and not fun items like food and shelter. Make their true passion scream for the knowledge of sailing a yacht.