Gordon Hayward Excited To Be Token White Guy on Boston Celtics – NBA

Hello! It is me, Gordon Hayward, NBA all-star and small forward for the Boston Celtics beginning in the 2017-2018 season. Ever Since I have signed with the Celtics, there has been only one thought on everyone’s minds: so let us address the elephant in the room.

I will be the token white guy in Boston.

The token white guy in the group has a list of his own responsibilities. Someone has to communicate with police officers at the nightclub and discuss what an average sized penis looks like, but I am certainly ready to step up for the challenge at this stage of my career.

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Here is a useful graph on penis size I made

This is a role I am excited to embrace as Kelly Olynyk passes the torch to me this offseason. I understand the token white guy is crucial in Boston. It has been since the 2012-2013 season since the Celtics have not had the token white player, and I will add that the 2012-2013 marked a 20 year low in jersey sales for the Celtics.

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The all white crowd at Boston sporting events

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let’s be honest. Boston is primarily white. And prideful. Heck, one could even say it is a wicked pissah of a city. And Boston loves their white basketball players.

Let’s make one thing clear. Boston does not dislike their black basketball players, in fact they like them quite a bit. However, Boston LOVES their white basketball players. According to the latest census, it is estimated that 655,000 people live in Boston. Of this total, it is estimated that 720,000 of these people are white and 42% are drunk, while a measly 12% are in a fist fight of some kind at a given moment.

Let’s explore a bit of Boston’s basketball culture, as we go down the line of token white guys through the years.

The 2010s

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The 2000s

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The 1990s

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The 1980s

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It is great to revisit the chapters of the past for white NBA players, and now I look forward to making my own chapter in this fine city. I hope the city of Boston believes in me as much as I believe in my own abilities to shine bright and build on this historic franchise.

I look forward to making the previous white legends such as Bill Walton, Larry Bird and Bruce Bowen proud as I seek to bring a championship to this indescribable city.

With love to Boston,

Gordon Hayward

Dr. Dre Exposed!!! Never Attended Medical School! A TMZ Analysis

Our eyes have been locked on this post July 5th drama!!

According to a new investigative secret-ops TMZ team, Dr. Dre may as well be referred to as Mr. Dre.

Ouch!! Did the hospital lunch lady burn the food? Because that was a SICK BURN!

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Here’s a photograph of me doing my very important job and giving SICK BURNS to Mr. Dre that he can not even treat

Our very smart and tactical Covert ops team has uncovered a website called “wikipedia” where they have unearthed top secret information. It says nothing about medical school! Don’t believe us? Here is a link to prove our outrageous claims!  “wikipedia”

As it turns out, we have been living a lie this whole time! MISTER Dre never even attended a medical university, leading us at TMZ to believe he may be under several malpractice lawsuits in the near future. And to think I have been taking his songs as medical advice!

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Here is a picture of Mister Dre looking very ashamed of the fact he has no medical background!

The only sick things Dr. Dre can deal with are sick beats and SICK BURNS issued by us at TMZ personally.

32.25 Reasons why 2016 is Clean Slate!

Hello readers! Many celebrities, including Oprah and Carrot top, always ask me “How can I clean slate 2016?” Well let me tell you my thoughts on my resolutions for this year to make 2016 your most productive, efficient and memorable year yet!

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  1. Illuminati 4/20

I was pretty upset by not catching the illuminati this year. But that won’t discourage me! They are out there and it is proven by science.

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2. 2016 is an even number

Even numbers are seen as good luck in the Mayan culture!

3. That murder you did won’t affect you!

That was in 2015. Now it is 2016. Clean Slate!

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4. We can finally go on a date!

Instead of blogging like a big dumb weinerpants, we can go on dates instead. CLEAN SLATE!

1 Preparing an origami shaped statue of a rhinoceros’ front leg while riding a unicycle and singing the pledge of allegiance backwards in Portugese.

No 2016 would be complete without this task.

5.378. We can learn how to do meth!

After pushing this off my whole life, I am ready to take the plunge!

6.377. Start up our rap career!

That’s right, pull that doo rag out of the freezer. It’s time! Of course we will combine the styles of Waka Flocka Flames and Ellen Degeneres. Woo woo swag!

7. Achieving our childhood dream of opening a mattress store

Look at yourself proud in the mirror because now we are going to do it! Gerald’s sleepy sacks will be open for business!

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99,099. Learning how to count

This mostly useless skill is something I am made fun of on a normal basis for, so I guess it’s time

45. Partial world domination

That’s right, Andorra. I’m coming for you! I’ve been taking your shit for too long, now it’s your turn to eat poop. FUCK ANDORRA!!

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89. Now we can go back to clown school!

After dropping out several years ago, it is 2016 clean slate!

32.25. Volunteer at the homeless shelter!

These extremely needy people will largely benefit from me teaching them a thorough and in depth course on how to sail a yacht. Too often they are given useless and not fun items like food and shelter. Make their true passion scream for the knowledge of sailing a yacht.

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Cam Newton- I have an AVERAGE SIZED penis

Hi, I’m Cam Newton, quarterback of the Carolina Panthers in the NFL.

These days you may see me throwing 5 touchdowns or rushing for 150 yards in a game and performing crazy touchdown dances. I own a line of cleats for young children and am the father to my son, as I was blessed with him last week. Many analysts consider me the front runner for MVP this year.

But that’s not why we are here today. I am not here to bore you on my NFL stats or my child or the vast amount of good I do for the community through volunteer programs every year. On a much more serious and important issue, My  dick is AVERAGE SIZED!! WHICH IS MORE THAN ENOUGH TO PLEASE A WOMAN!! shutterstock_159587795

 

The issue

Women are constantly unimpressed when I take my pants off because it is naturally assumed it is bigger. It’s average-sized WHICH IS TOTALLY OK!!! Five and three quarter inches, roughly the size of a dollar bill. That’s all women need!

During my time in college at Auburn University, I would constantly be criticized by sorority sisters about my penis. I can just hear them now:

“I naturally assumed you had an eight inch meat monster because you were so good at football”

“Your penis is not proportional to your massive body, Cam Newton. We’re definitely going to have sex still but our bodies will have to be slightly closer than I thought”

“It’s not small by any means but I’ve definitely seen bigger, Cam, it looks pretty average to me”

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She is in awe, which NEVER happens to me!!

The Statistical analysis

I have spent hours, no, days, NO! MONTHS! of my life conjuring the data necessary to prove my penis is average sized. The average size of the male penis is between 5.5 and 6.35 inches. The average penis size is roughly 5.95 inches with a standard deviation of 0.36 inches. I AM EASILY WITHIN ONE STANDARD DEVIATION OF THE MEAN!

Furthermore, a woman needs only two and a half inches to be satisfied by the male penis.

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Hi, I’m Cam Newton. I have gathered data, performed this statistical analysis and am able to conclude that I, too, have an average sized penis AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT

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This is also an extremely useful graph I made.

Complications from having an average sized penis

PTSD. I live with this every day. Every time I reach for the button of my pants I relive the shock of women seeing my penis, which is slightly smaller than they imagined. I relive that look of disappointment. I relive that feeling of hopelessness.

I also have TMJ because I sucked that dick once in college.

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Hi, I’m Cam Newton, owner of a five and three quarter inch penis

The Solution/ The movement

I am hear to STOP THE STIGMA about having an average sized penis. I am sick of women making me feel ashamed about it, and this has risen as the most important issue in the NFL!

That is why I have started NFLPATSOAP, NFL players against the stigma of average-sized penises.

Join me, my average-sized brothers, for it is IN OURSELVES in which our destiny lives! A new future for us will NOT simply fall from the sky, IT MUST GROW WITHIN OUR PEOPLE! YOU ARE THE CONTINUATION OF OUR PEOPLE!!

LONG LIVE NFLPATSOAP!!!

Cam Newton