Gordon Hayward Excited To Be Token White Guy on Boston Celtics – NBA

Hello! It is me, Gordon Hayward, NBA all-star and small forward for the Boston Celtics beginning in the 2017-2018 season. Ever Since I have signed with the Celtics, there has been only one thought on everyone’s minds: so let us address the elephant in the room.

I will be the token white guy in Boston.

The token white guy in the group has a list of his own responsibilities. Someone has to communicate with police officers at the nightclub and discuss what an average sized penis looks like, but I am certainly ready to step up for the challenge at this stage of my career.

Here is a useful graph on penis size I made

This is a role I am excited to embrace as Kelly Olynyk passes the torch to me this offseason. I understand the token white guy is crucial in Boston. It has been since the 2012-2013 season since the Celtics have not had the token white player, and I will add that the 2012-2013 marked a 20 year low in jersey sales for the Celtics.

token white guy
Celtics be like
The all white crowd at Boston sporting events







Let’s be honest. Boston is primarily white. And prideful. Heck, one could even say it is a wicked pissah of a city. And Boston loves their white basketball players.

Let’s make one thing clear. Boston does not dislike their black basketball players, in fact they like them quite a bit. However, Boston LOVES their white basketball players. According to the latest census, it is estimated that 655,000 people live in Boston. Of this total, it is estimated that 720,000 of these people are white and 42% are drunk, while a measly 12% are in a fist fight of some kind at a given moment.

Let’s explore a bit of Boston’s basketball culture, as we go down the line of token white guys through the years.

The 2010s

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The 2000s

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The 1990s

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The 1980s

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

It is great to revisit the chapters of the past for white NBA players, and now I look forward to making my own chapter in this fine city. I hope the city of Boston believes in me as much as I believe in my own abilities to shine bright and build on this historic franchise.

I look forward to making the previous white legends such as Bill Walton, Larry Bird and Bruce Bowen proud as I seek to bring a championship to this indescribable city.

With love to Boston,

Gordon Hayward


Dr. Dre Exposed!!! Never Attended Medical School! A TMZ Analysis

Our eyes have been locked on this post July 5th drama!!

According to a new investigative secret-ops TMZ team, Dr. Dre may as well be referred to as Mr. Dre.

Ouch!! Did the hospital lunch lady burn the food? Because that was a SICK BURN!

Here’s a photograph of me doing my very important job and giving SICK BURNS to Mr. Dre that he can not even treat

Our very smart and tactical Covert ops team has uncovered a website called “wikipedia” where they have unearthed top secret information. It says nothing about medical school! Don’t believe us? Here is a link to prove our outrageous claims!  “wikipedia”

As it turns out, we have been living a lie this whole time! MISTER Dre never even attended a medical university, leading us at TMZ to believe he may be under several malpractice lawsuits in the near future. And to think I have been taking his songs as medical advice!

Here is a picture of Mister Dre looking very ashamed of the fact he has no medical background!

The only sick things Dr. Dre can deal with are sick beats and SICK BURNS issued by us at TMZ personally.